Ashamed but Uplifted

“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

~ This is the verse that binds me today.  I am constantly aware that people do not want to hear my infirmities, for they, as everyone, have too many of their own.  But, today, I find myself a little more willing to share, because maybe in sharing, I will find the strength in Christ to uplift myself and you.  Today started out like any other…a kiss goodbye from my husband as he left for work.  Hearing my son awaken from sleep urging me to pry myself from my bed to care for him and my daughter. 

~ I often struggle with forgetfulness and exhaustion. Just two of the many symptoms that these two diseases particulate. Though there are many symptoms to immune disorders, these two symptoms are the most frustrating to me.  I can handle weight-loss, bowel cramps, feeling cold, achy joints, headaches…the physical aspect is much more tolerable to me than the mental one; at least the physical is tangible, noticeable, and excusable.

~ Because of the exhaustion I am often short tempered with my children, and my heart breaks for them. And, on top of this my son has been showing autistic behaviors.  I can’t seem to break through to his understanding. I often find myself praying throughout the day, “Please Lord, please, I hope I’m handling this right, please help me handle this right!” As I discipline my son over and over again.  Sitting in front of him at timeout as he screams and hits himself.  Not knowing whether I should change tactics or just wait it out. And, realizing that some of his issues are not all his fault; my inconsistency, that stems from my exhaustion, only produces more inconstant behavior.  Because of this I also find myself praying, “Please Lord, I don’t know if I’m handling this right….please stand in the gap for my son…I don’t know that I’m handling this right.”

~ I am constantly in a stage of forgetfulness.  Two nights ago I could have sworn I put my daughter’s doll in the rocking chair and later moved it to the night stand when I went up to rock her, and yet it was in her bed that next morning (I should note it is an infant in sleeps in a crib).  I get so easily distracted that I forget tasks that have been written before me, even events placed on the calendar, they come and go as if they were a ghost passing through my mind, popping out later just to scare me – reminding me they had come and gone, and I had failed, again.

~ As hard as it is for me to share these things, because everyone wants their family and life to be perfect and blessed, please understand that I know the plans the Lord has for my son.  God, in all His wisdom, chose myself and my husband for Isaiah.  An exact genetic make up.  Knowing the calling He placed on our lives to raise our son in such a way as to build his character. He also knows where we will fall short, and the Lord is ready so that He, “Christ”, can stand victoriously in the gap.  In that, Isaiah can say he was not only raised by me and my husband but Christ Jesus also.  This in no-way gives me any excuse to behave poorly toward my children, but it helps me constantly strive to handle every situation through the fruit of the spirit.  I do not give myself an out by thinking God will fix all my mistakes.  I have to live as if I were the reflection in the mirror of Jesus himself.  Knowing I am but the daughter of man and saved merely by grace means that mistakes will happen, and by hope and faith I must believe that Jesus stands in the gap of that mistake for my children’s sake, knowing that my heart was right before the Lord.  And although forgetfulness and exhaustion are my constant companions they only give me reason to remember more and work harder.

~ Life here on earth is full of hardship.  Terrible situations with no reason behind them.  Hard times.  Misfortunes.  Grave circumstances.  I feel as though I am blessed among women to have been protected in life.  I have no physically, mentally, or emotionally scarred memories.  In most devastating situations I can offer no condolence of understanding.  I am blessed.  I have my troublesome memories, and PRAISE THE LORD, he stood in the gap of those situations.  I came out stronger, and that is my hope for my children; that although I make mistakes, my heart stands before the Lord thankful that his mercy covers them.

~ In all of this, two diseases and autistic like behavior – I am constantly aware that I am a weak and withering vessel.  My days are numbered like the hairs on my head.  I am proud to say I struggle, because within my struggle I find the true mercy and love of Christ.  His words heal me.  That healing may not be physical or tangible in a way that fingers could touch…but mentally and emotionally it uplifts, encourages, and gives me back the breath of life.  I find myself rising out of bed with no more physical strength than a four year old, but all the mental strength of a seasoned solider ready to step back in the fight.  His GRACE, through raising my children, and conquering these diseases, it is SUFFICIENT.  It gives me STRENGTH although I am WEAK in so many areas of life right now.  I can get lost in the day and become so short-cited, lost in exhaustion and forgetfulness, and lost in battles with my son’s emotional and physical outbursts that I forget to let the power of Christ just REST upon me.

~I love that Jesus say’s these words, “My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness.” If I but had the liberty to expound on this verse it would read something like this; “You make mistakes, I knew you would, and I’ve already taken care of them for you.  How can I show myself strong on your behalf if you never make a mistake?  How could I be welcomed into your home if you never need me? How could I bring healing if there was no infirmities?  Why would you want me, if you could do it all yourself?  I knew you before the world began, and I knew the obstacles you would face. I chose you to walk this path. I wanted you to be the one I shine brightly through! I needed you to be the one who showed the face of my glory.  Your weakness is the stage on which my strength shines and I’m so proud of you.” 

*Penned April 9th, 2015

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